My parents are coming to visit. My religious, not-aware-I'm-gay, stressful parents. Let's go back in time for some context but not too much because it is pretty personal and so complicated. You'll just have to trust me as a narrator, and me assure you I'm trying to stay objective.
So, a bit of context.
Telling it in reverse seems to help with the flow of information, at least for me. Last December, my parents who had been supporting me financially through college cut my funds drastically to an amount that was not enough to keep going. That was done because I wasn't succeeding in my field of study despite my best efforts, this already being a sort of a startover after I couldn't finish the first time I tried that field of study in another country.
My father had decided that all the money invested in me over the years, which had been a lot, had led nowhere - as in no degrees - so he was cutting me off immediately because in his words "23 and no degrees: you have failed". Some key information: I go to university in a country 6 thousand miles away from home, and I have always wanted to study something else but my parents pretty much told me I couldn't. It was either medicine or engineering, so when I graduated high school I picked the latter.
And oh what a surprise, I couldn't succeed in something I hated, after trying twice at it in two different countries.
I decided to finally start doing what I wanted to, what I've dreamed of doing and was convinced I would be good at, and applied for a (paid) internship I shouldn't have gotten in a million years. But I did. And I was honestly great. And now the company wants to hire me and is even ready to finance my education too, even though it's very complicated to get the proper papers. For the first time in a very long time, I feel smart. I feel needed, I feel respected. I genuinely feel happy. I feel like I've made it on my own terms, and the future looks brighter than ever in work, in my education and personal life, even though I've also never been this poor.
But it's not enough for my father. Each time he calls, all I can hear is disappointment and the constant reminder that he doesn't think I'm going to succeed at what I'm doing and the new field I'll be in. I hate most of all that it affects me.
But the more he acts like this, I'm finding out the less and less I care. So keep doing that, dad, maybe I'll reach the point I don't give a fuck anymore and come out of the closet at the same time. I've always told myself I would when I'd become financially independent. Seems like that may be sooner than later.
They're coming to visit. My parents have become my main factor of stress, and they are coming to visit for more than a week. At times last year I would feel so stressed and depressed I had suicidal thoughts. While they weren't the only factor, they sure as hell didn't help.
But there's a positive side to their visit.
My little brother is coming with them. The only person in my family who I have come out to, and who, against all odds, accepted me unconditionally. This was done over the phone last September, and we're meeting in person for the first time since as he prepares to start college in the same country. Thank goodness. Just thinking about my parents coming makes me want to run away but he keeps me grounded.
What I hate the most is that I need them. Not emotionally, not anymore, but financially. I need to move for my new job and I just don't have the means to do it myself. Still, I refuse to ask them for anything anymore but I don't think I can hold out much longer. Makes me feel like the biggest hypocrite.
10 days. Life on hold for just 10 days. I'm going to have to clear my browser history, hide my gay posters and generally stop being myself for 10 days. For some reason, all the growth I've experienced the past 6 months seem to fade away. I feel like a kid again, and I hate it.
The sudden realization that you're 23 years old, and for the first time ever you actually hate your parents.